That Darn Movie!

Why is it that every time I watch a movie or listen to a song, there is a trigger that leaves me sobbing? There are triggers everywhere. I love to rent movies that are older and that I have never seen before and inevitably, I pick the movie where the husband dies. I don't know why this happens, but it just does.

When you lose your spouse, you are much more aware of the world around you. When you attend the wedding of a friend's son or daughter, you realize that your husband will not be able to walk your daughter down the aisle. When you go to a funeral..well, I don't even need to tell you what gets triggered there. When you go to the grocery store and you see Raisin Bran, you realize that you don't buy that cereal anymore because he was the only one that liked it. When you need new tires for your car, you get angry because he always handled that task.

In the beginning of your grief journey, thoughts like these run through your head constantly. As times passes, they become less and less until you have that new first/big moment that you never had before. My husband did not get to see my son graduate from high school (first trigger) and he won't see him graduate from college next year...so the trigger will come again, even if it is ten years later. My daughter recently had a big surgery and she has never had a surgery without her dad being present, and all of a sudden, at 27 years old, she realized something was not right here. He was not here. Yep, the triggers may be less as time goes on, but the "first times" still keep showing up-strong.

The triggers don't go away. Sometimes you can anticipate them and sometimes they catch you by surprise. They won't always have a debilitating effect on you. You learn to become numb and sometimes, you learn to embrace the triggers. At some point--I can't tell you when, you learn to "invite" your spouse into the moment or you do what I do, and say, "I need a little help here, You left me here, but you are not off the hook. These are your kids too or this was your car, etc." I wish I could say I embrace the triggers every time, but the truth is I never know how I will react until I am in the moment. The same will be true with you, my sister.

And, sometimes, you will trigger the grief yourself. I call these my "personal pity parties." You will LOOK for that song or that movie that is going to make you cry because, well, that is just what you need at that moment. My cry song is "Blessings" by Laura Story. My cry movie is "Dead Poets Society" because beside it being a sad movie already, that was his all-time favorite movie.

That darn movie...it gets me everytime.