In this New Year, let go of the Old Fears

Every year starts the same, what will I "do" different this year to make this The-Best-Year- Ever? This list usually starts with goals like lose 10 pounds, spend more time in prayer, achieve a new skill, eat healthier foods, take more vacations, read more books, etc. etc. None of these things are bad in and of themself, but the question is what is my mindset behind each of these things?

As widows, we have the added dose of these nagging questions that we ask ourselves each year that goes by:

"Who am I?" "Who am I without my spouse?"

"What am I supposed to do this year, next year, and the year after that?"

We have so many doubts and fears about our identity, about the unknown, and yet, because of our grief journey, the oxymoron of it all is that our faith can give us the answers to these nagging questions. In some sense, through our grief, we have become stronger, perhaps wiser. We did not want to be stronger, or at least I didn't. I was perfectly happy being imperfectly weak at times. I had my husband by my side that could be strong when I was weak, and I could be strong when he was weak. We were like two pieces of a puzzle that worked perfectly together, but separately you could see our jagged edges. I don't think any of us will debate that we lost part of our self when we lost our other half. I felt like that for many years after my husband passed, and sometimes still do. I struggled often with the above questions, especially in the early years of my loss.

I think we have all struggled with our identity at some point in our life...even before our widowhood. But, the older I get, the more I am finding my confidence in just "being enough." So many days I feel like I am on the hamster wheel of life--trying to balance all of the facets of a so-called, well-rounded individual--spiritual, physical, emotional, familial, etc. Yet, Jesus has already told me "I am enough" and that "I am loved" and I don't have to do anything to earn his love...I don't have to cure cancer (although I would like to), I don't have to earn a Nobel Peace prize, I don't have to start my own business, or run a marathon. I don't have to do any of these things to be loved by Him. I just have to "be" great. How do I do that? By loving ...loving God, loving my family, loving my children, loving the stranger who needs a helping hand, loving my enemy who has lost his or her way., and loving MYSELF--the one He created in His likeness.

I don't love others perfectly, and often, I don't love myself well, but I have a perfect model of love and I always try to remember that. My mantra for the new year is "Perfect love casts out all fear." (1 John 4:18). That perfect love does not come from me, it comes from HIM. I am without my spouse, but I am not without Him..I never was, and never will be. I am not alone--we are not alone, and we are not less loved.

Yesterday, we celebrated Epiphany. The wise Magi brought Jesus great gifts that symbolized his identity as our King whose great act of love was to be born, and to eventually die, so that we ALL might live, That "all" includes our spouses, who live on in eternity, we pray. This is the real gift, the real epiphany, the real wisdom that came on this day-- the wisdom to know that we do not have to be afraid, even in death, because perfect love was born on Christmas Day to rescue all of us.

Each of us has been called by our name, not by our widowhood, not by our sufferings, not by our sins, and not even by our accomplishments, This year, let go of the fear that you have to do something BIG in order to bring purpose and meaning back into your life. Your BIG may be helping young children with homework as an only parent, making a meal for a recently widowed friend, spending 10 minutes in prayer for your adult children, or caring for elderly parents or grandchildren. Or, maybe your BIG is just taking care of yourself in your grief so that you can be there for your family, or perhaps even other widows. Whatever it is, when your head hits the pillow tonight, sleep in peace, my sister in widowhood. Begin by minimizing the laundry list of all the earthly goals (as good as some of them might be), and have the courage to step off the hamster wheel for even just a moment and contemplate how much you are loved for who you are, not what you do. This year, let go of all old fears, let go of all the lies that creep into your grieving heart, and focus on the one goal that really changes lives: LOVE.