It's not just another Christmas for those who are grieving

In a few days, we will be celebrating the birth of our Savior! A joyous time in the church, in our families and in our homes! But, for those who are grieving after the loss of a loved one, this time of the year can feel anything but joyous.

I remember my first Christmas after my husband passed away. It was about 7 months after his passing. Although that was 9 years ago, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I remember where I was sitting at church on Christmas Eve. I remember what I was wearing. I remember being at the Children's Mass surrounded by families with children--their shrills, their laughter, and their smiles just taunting me. Why is everyone so happy? Don't they know I just lost my husband? Can't they take their happiness somewhere else?

Looking back, I know the grieving side of me was also being irrational because Christmas is not, and never was, about me. In fact, it was not even about all those happy people around me. Christmas is about gratitude for One Person, born in a lowly manger, born for ME so that I could understand how to experience joy, and wonder and awe, even in the midst of my suffering. But, when we are grieving, it is so hard to think rationally, let alone selflessly.

So, don't beat yourself up for all the emotions that you are feeling, carrying, and probably trying to hide from the rest of the world. You are going through a natural progression of your grief. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to grief and mourn because you are a human being. We are not robots. We experience life, and we experience death. We can't walk around grief, or climb over it, we have to go right through the middle of it. Have you ever heard the saying, "If you don't deal with your grief, it will deal with you?" No truer words. We will always be riding the waves of suffering throughout our lives--the high points, the low points and all the other moments in between. And, many times we just need to give thanks for the ordinary moments in our lives. Those moments that seem mundane should be celebrated. I miss those moments.

When we grieve, we can keep ourselves so busy so we don't have to experience the pain. Others may handle the pain by withdrawing from everyone and everything so as not to feel anything. Neither extreme is good. We need to feel the pain and leave room to still experience the joy. You can do both. You need to do both. We grieve because we loved. We loved because we found joy with our spouse, even if not every moment was a happy one. As grievers we know this and we watch people that are desperately chasing happiness that they will never find. Ironically, as we grieve it becomes a great gift to understand the difference between joy and happiness better than most.

This Christmas, in the midst of your grief, whether your spouse has been gone 6 weeks or 6 years, slow down long enough to experience the pain, and slow down long enough to celebrate the joy of those little "God winks" that we can miss if we are not paying attention. Maybe it is the joy of a warm blanket, or a good book, a picture of a great memory in a photo album, the birth of a baby, an unexpected hug when you are crying, or even a long nap when everything becomes overwhelming. Joys come in all different packages. I still remember those special moments when my husband was dying. There was not a lot of happiness, but there was still moments of joy in our suffering. God allowed us to experience those moments and I am so grateful that my husband and I had the eyes to see them.

I will often say, I am not quite sure how people can grieve without a faith life, or without Jesus to lean on. If that is you, or if you are not even sure it is you, it is never too late to get to know the One who can walk with you through your grief, and it is never too late to surround yourself by others who want to share and walk with you.

Recently, a group of us widows have formed a network called WidowsMight.Net that wants to do just that-walk the path of grief with you, no matter how long it has been. It does not matter to us. We need each other. We want to share what St. Paul said to the Philipians, "keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, Then, the God of peace will be with you." Philipians 4: 9.

From this day forward, it will never be just another Christmas for you and for me. But, let it be this way for two reasons: 1. We miss our spouse and are grateful for the joys and the sorrows. 2. We might finally be able to recognize for the first time in our life that a Real Person was born on this day who wants to rescue us and walk with us in our joys and sorrows.

Merry Christmas, my sisters in widowhood. Grieve well and grieve often (because

you loved well) this Christmas season, honor and remember your spouse, and, most of all, receive Jesus, the gift of peace, that was born on Christmas day.