Grieving Children/Teenagers

How do you help your teenagers grieve? I wish I knew the answer. I had read so many articles trying to find the answers when my husband died, but many of them were just textbook advice. The fact of the matter is, everyone's grief journey is unique--even children and teenagers. If you lost your spouse when your children were quite young, you may have been able to join grief groups that had support for both you and your children. When children are younger, they seem much more willing to attend these kind of "play" grief groups where they talk while they do art, listen to music, or some other activity.

When children are teenagers, they don't want to talk to anyone or attend any kind of grief group. At least this has been my own experience and the experience of other widows that I know. Again, this could be completely different for your own children/teens. So, how do we help our children (no matter their age) come to terms with their grief? One of the first things that I have learned is that you can not force anything. You can recommend things until you are blue in the face, but they must be ready. Being available to talk and looking for opportunities to talk about their dad are a healthy part of the healing process. I do know that if you don't deal with grief, grief will deal with you. This does not mean just get over it or sweep grief under the rug. This means acknowledging that grief is a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one. Grief is not always linear. There are highs and lows of different emotions--it might be anger one minute and pure sadness the next. Sometimes talking will be good, and sometimes silence will be better. I call everything that I did "my grief work." All the seminars, support groups, counseling, journaling, listening to sad songs, praying and facilitating of grief groups--all these things were "my grief work." It is hard to tell children that they have to do "grief work", especially if they are of the age where they don't like to be told what to do. Everyone's experience will be different, and there is not one magical way to handle your grief.

Many teenagers just want to talk to their friends. Yet, there is something about sharing in a support group with others who have gone through the same thing that they have that makes the journey seem a little more doable. The tough part is feeling comfortable with being vulnerable and opening up to people who may be total strangers. It takes a great deal of trust to be able to open up so freely.

Sometimes the best answer is to find a good grief counselor who they can meet with one-on-one, instead of in a group setting. The answer is to help them find some activity that they are comfortable with. I remember talking to a widower who said, not long after the death of his wife, that his son was doing just fine. I knew his son and I knew from other people that he was not fine, but he did not want his dad to see him upset. He did not want his dad to be upset, so he just kept everything inside. This was not a healthy grief journey for either person.

The teens years are tough on parental relationships in normal circumstances. Often teens have a lot of regret about how their relationship with their father may have been at the time of death. Teens are fighting for their independence at this time. They do want to know that they are loved even in the midst of all their "teenagerism." My sister, when your children lose their father, the best thing you can do is reassure them that they were loved and are loved and that their father wants them to stay the course, so to speak, and to forge ahead with their life as if their dad is right beside them supporting them every step of the way.

Do whatever you can to make sure your children do not get stuck in their grief. That is not what their dad would have wanted. Instead think of ways to celebrate their dad--visit the cemetery with them, talk about their dad and the memories, celebrate his birthday, or even come up with a way to honor him each and every year. We try to go to the cemetery a couple times a year, although it is getting less frequent as my teens became twenty-plus year-olds. We may stay for a moment, say a prayer, share a memory, clean his headstone, or just cry. All of these actions are part of the healing process. As the years go on, things will get easier as long as the grieving journey includes choosing healthy ways of dealing with grief. But, remember, you can only guide them...you can't do it for them and you can't decide how they will do it.

If you have found a good resource for children/teens grieving, please share it via email and I will post it. I will post a good article from the Dougy Center in Portland, Oregon that I think is one of the most realistic articles on this topic.

No matter the age of your children, remember my sister, to take care of yourself, take time for yourself, and do your "grief work" so you can be present for your children.