Finding Joy Despite our Circumstances

If your loss is very new and your heart is still heavy, this post may not resonate with you. In fact, it might even upset you. I know this upset me at one point in my life. I remember hearing a sermon when my husband was still alive about how God's love does not change for us, no matter what is happening in our life. Intellectually, I knew this to be true, but when you are in the middle of dealing with an illness, a tragedy, a job loss, or any other circumstance that is unsettling, you wonder if God really loves you or is truly present in your circumstances.

You might be feeling this way right now.

I think it took me a long time to understand that God loves me so much and that He never abandons me. Perhaps the suffering that I have encountered in life has allowed me to look back and realize that God was always present in all those moments. Often, we have expectations of what our life is supposed to be like, or what we thought it would be like. A curveball in that plan often has us questioning God.

When a couple gets married, they want the perfect marriage and they want to be the perfect spouse, but they realize quickly that the person they married actually has some flaws, and guess what, so do they. And, when life happens, and they have children, there are new expectations of how their children should be. And, then life happens again, and more challenging circumstances, like the death of a spouse, or children going off the rails, or any other number of hardships in family life, many couples wonder "God, where are you in all of this?" Widowed or not, there is always something that is happening in our lives that we can claim as a "stealer of our joy." As I have matured spiritually, I have finally understood what that priest was trying to say in his sermon.

Simply put, we are not in control of our life, As much as we try to make things turn out a certain way, life is out of our control. I can not make Brian rise from the dead. God did not cause my husband to die, but God does allow things to happen-both miracles and tragedies. You and I will never understand why things happen the way they do. Maybe one day we will. In fact, I have stopped asking "why" and I now ask "what?" What is it that you want of me in this circumstance? I believe what God wants of all of us is to radiate His joy, not always in our circumstances, but despite our circumstances. I believe God wants us to share the joy that belonging to Him, not just believing in Him, brings. There is no other person that will love you or me for who we are, the way God does, no matter how many flaws we have. When we get that, we can have a little more grace for those around us that may not live up to our expectations. If God can love the difficult people in my life, I in turn, can surely love difficult people a little bit better. God is love.

I have handed my life over to God many times (and sometimes I try to take it back from Him) and I try to hand over my prayers for my children. This does not mean that I have given up or that I have it all figured out as a widow and a mom. What it means, is that I try to surrender my life to Him, and live in a state of gratitude, while trying to give to others, as this is the only way to live in joy.

Our circumstances can change many times, and life is going to continue to happen, but our joy does not depend on those events. Joy is deeper than surface happiness and is really not dependent on our circumstances or even another person. Joy is a disposition in life that we get to choose. Did I have or choose joy when my husband died? Of course I didn't. This was not the ways things were supposed to be. I did not want him to die. I wanted him here with my children and me--till death do us part, living out our retirement plans until we were 85 plus years old. I know, now, what really stole my joy was me not believing that God always had a plan for my life and for Brian's. This is so hard to accept at times, but this is not our home. We are all going to eventually die. We cannot escape it. We put so much emphasis on this life...if I could just find the perfect spouse, if I could just get the next big promotion, if I could just get that new car, I will finally be happy. No, you won't. You can't buy happiness, chase happiness, or magically manufacture it. Happiness comes from choosing joy despite our circumstances, choosing gratitude for what we have, instead of focusing on what we don't have. Joy comes from doing for others by being the right person for others. I know that my husband, had he beat cancer, never wanted to live with his deteriorating muscle disorder. He had no control over it and there was nothing that was going to make it better. But, he never blamed God for any of this. Did he wrestle with Him? Yes, and yet, he still chose joy. And, in the end, because of his faith and trust in God, he knew that he was finally going to have the peace and joy that this life could not bring. God never guaranteed that this life would be "a rose garden" but He did promise that He would always choose us. He would always walk with us, and if we chose Him, we could be with Him through eternity. In eternity, that is where real joy will finally be complete.

Hang in there, my sister. One day this will all make sense. Live in the present moment, be grateful for what you do have, and find joy despite your circumstances by giving of yourself to others.

"If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy might be complete." John 15:10-11